"Suicide" note.

I could never figure out how to put my life together, what's missing, and how to fix what's broken. I just know what's wrong with me. They say to focus on the good about yourself instead of the negative, but in my mind the two go hand in hand. Often times I make wrong choices and the guilt eats away at my mind like a parasite. I do poorly in school because I can't seem to get my act together. I do poorly in my relationships, my friendships, even with family. I thought my teenage anguish and anxiety have been long behind me, but lately I find it has returned with greater force than before.

Dream: The Tropical Lagoon.

   We are a class of college age students that refuse to mature into the adult state of mind.  We haven't graduated yet, we have no children and no spouses, why not linger in the adolescent mindset a little while longer? Some of my fellow peers were my classmates in middle school.  We are much older now and I haven't seen them in years but apparently we're still classmates.  

   Today we are taking a class trip to a lagoon for a day of swimming.  I feel kind of silly going swimming with my classmates but I'm not about to miss out on the fun. 

   We arrive at the most beautiful piece of paradise I have ever seen in my life; a wide gorgeous lagoon separated from the ocean by a white sandy bank of palm trees and Tiki huts.  The water is the most perfect shade of light blue which allows you to see straight through to the sandy white floor.  The subtle yet cooling sea breeze smells of sweet pineapple, hibiscus, and coconuts.

   As soon as the bus comes to a halt, I waste no time and rush off.  I make my way to a line of palm leaf top canopies, lay down my beach towel, and kick off my sandals.  It is unbelievable how soft and warm the sand is in between my toes!  I remove my sarong and tie it around the base of the canopy to prevent the breeze from blowing it away.  Finally down to my swimsuit, I make my way to the inviting waters.

   Normally I would test the temperature of the water before rushing in but this vast blue lagoon has been luring me into its spell since the moment I laid eyes on it.  I jump in without hesitation and let my body sink to the ocean floor; I sit there for as long as I can before using my legs to rocket myself back to the surface. 

   Hours have passed and I haven't left the water once although most of my class has had their fill.  It's just me, two of my friends, and our doughnut floaters wading around.  Our classmates are sitting under the canopies stretched out on their towels and yelling at us.  "It's time to get out of the water, come on already!". No way!  I don't think I could ever have my fill!

   It's so surreal, we have been splashing and playing with a school of dolphins and they're so friendly!  I find myself swimming side by side with them under the water trying my hardest to keep up.  I didn't even know I could swim!

   Suddenly I see several large fins emerge; they look too big to be a dolphins fin.  As I notice this, the sky begins to turn grey and cloudy.

   "Come, let's go!" my two friends yell to me.  I swim to the shore without argument and make my way to my canopy.  I didn't notice the bloody foot prints I was leaving behind me.  I lay down on my stomach real close to a classmate I've known of since middle school but have never spoken to.

   "Those sharks were looking for you yet you swam casually to the shore with no knowledge that you were the prey." she said without remorse.

   "Why would they want me?  I wasn't the only one in the water."

   "Because of that." she replied as she pointed to my foot.

   I propped myself up on my elbows and turned around to examine the sole of my left foot which was covered with blood.  Oddly enough there was a huge gash that split wide open from my heel to the ball of my foot.  Upon examining further I noticed a silver bullet lodged in the dead center.  I reached my hand back and yanked it free from my foot after a few minutes of fighting with it.

   "Huh, that's odd.  It doesn't hurt and I don't remember getting shot.  I must have been having too much fun to notice." I said calmly as I studied the bullet.  I wonder who shot the gun and what they were originally aiming at.  I get the feeling I was hit by accident.  "I should probably go to the hospital." I sighed.

   "I don't think that's going to happen." my classmate replied as the sky grew noticeably darker.

   Thick and heavy rains begin to fall suddenly.  The sheet of rain was so dense that I couldn't see in front of me.  The soft, subtle sea breeze suddenly became forceful and caused the heavy rain to hit like sharp needles.  In a panicked uproar my classmates began to run for shelter.  I sat up and followed them casually, making sure to only step on the very heel of my left foot.

   We finally managed to come across shelter which was an exquisite and very exclusive gym.  It was tall and made up entirely of glass and steel.  The entire class huddled together outside the building and pressed as close to the outer walls as possible to avoid the sharp stings of the wind blown rain.  After a long while of begging to let us in, they finally agreed to let us seek shelter in the building.  However, we could only stay in the foyer area away from the gym members.

   I took in my surroundings as a I stumbled in: in front of me was a grey carpeted mezzanine floor filled with exercise bikes facing the giant glass entryway and foyer.  They were all occupied by celebrity women that stared at us with disdain as we piled into the foyer.

   I made my way to a steel and concrete picnic bench and propped my injured foot up as some of my classmates joined me.  "You guys, I really need to go to a hospital.  My foot is split open and I think I'll need stitches..." I said to them.  They rolled their eyes and scoffed at me, then turned to each other and talked amongst themselves.

   I sighed and stumbled my way to the reception desk.  "Excuse me, I need to go to the hospital and no one will help me..." I said to the patron.  

   "Very well, I suppose we should help.  Inside that room over there is a man that can help..." he said arrogantly as he pointed to a steel door behind me. "...now shoo, be on your way.".

   I turned around and slowly hobbled to the door.  Why doesn't this injury hurt?  Normally I'd faint at the sight of skin split in half!  I shrugged the thought away and opened the door.  

   The room was very peculiar and shaped like a trailer house.  The walls were painted pink and red; there were Valentine hearts and cupids adorning all the walls.  Against the wall was a glass counter filled with medicines, potions, and herbs that I've never seen or heard of before.  I looked up to see a Pakistani man standing in front of me with a huge helium balloon in the shape of a heart.

   "Hello..." he said with a heavy accent.  "May I help you?"

   I didn't say anything, for some reason I was too nervous to speak.  Instead I held up my injured foot and showed him.

   "Oh, I see. I see.  I have the cure for that.  First, you must agree to be my wife!" he exclaimed with a crooked smile and handed me the balloon.  I shook my head and nervously whispered, "I'm sorry, but I can't be your wife.  I'm still a student and I don't know you.".  He cocked an eyebrow and withdrew the helium token of his proposal. 

   "Very well.  I must send you else where to correct your injury. Come!" he beckoned for me to follow him so I did.  He lead me to the opposite end of the trailer house room and opened a door to another room that looked like a steam punk style train.  I stepped in and took a seat closest to the door.  The travelers sitting around me were awfully quiet but they regarded me with a sweet smile which was the first sign of human kindness I've received all day.

   "Train ticket, please.".

   A voice boomed behind me which scared me out of my thoughts.  A tall man in a blue suit held out a white gloved hand and stared me down.

   "The Pakistani fellow sent me here..." I stammered, trying poorly to sound brave.  "I have a terrible injury on my foot and I need to go to the hospital, please.".

   "Very well." he said as he went on to the next traveler. 

   I sat back in my chair and stared out the window of the train.  Clouds?  Are we in the sky?  What an odd train ride.  "I probably should have stayed with the class..." were my last thoughts as I drifted off to sleep.